dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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