FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can't turn off my feet"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
