I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
