You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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