happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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