im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
