WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
