During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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