my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
