I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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