Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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