nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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