i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
