I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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