I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
