u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
