Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
