i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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