He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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