Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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