When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
