Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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