I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
