There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
