So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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