her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
