Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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