Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
