Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
