I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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