i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
