Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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