You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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