Your mouth is God's brothel.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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