My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
