I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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