I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
