i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
