There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize