God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
