there's paper in my vomit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
