dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
