Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
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