my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
