Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
