tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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