i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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