mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
