I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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