Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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