i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
