I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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