dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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