at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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